Monthly Archives: April 2013

Featured Like Lil Wayne

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I’m on tour for The Elite next month so I’ve been doing a bunch of interviews and guest posts lately. Today, I’m writing a guest post all about how I got into writing.

I’ve put this one off for two days now while I pondered the question and here in a moment I’m going to bust that out like I mean it. Hopefully. All I can tell you is, I still haven’t wrapped my head around becoming a published author. Even after hitting the Top 100 list several times, I’m still in a fog.

Things have started a little early. I’ve hit a couple blogs already, so I’m totally counting them. First off, I did an interview on Paid by the Weird with Lynn Townsend. I’m not positive, but I think that’s the first interview I’ve done. I’ve also hit Elodie Parkes’ blog, which you should check out right here.

Well, did you? Are you gonna? Okay then…

UM… Okay, next…

As I’m writing this, I’m shopping music on Spotify, putting together a playlist for another interview, and looking out the window at the gray skies and dripping rain. I say ‘dripping’ because this does not count as rain. It’s just wet enough to make a bitch irritated that I can’t kick the dogs out of the house.

Oh, and today’s music is not pleasing me. Artists should do something about that, please and thank you.

I have a certain love for Lil Wayne I don’t understand, so everything I’m hearing with him in it is tolerable. He’s just the cutest lil thing, I don’t know how to explain it. If he weren’t so cute, I’d smack him in the face and tell him to watch his filthy mouth. However, it’s like when a toddler cusses. It just hits the humor sweet-spot and causes a giggle.

The only thing better than Lil Wayne would be a Coey Cain Featuring Lil Wayne Tour. I think we would tear some shit up together. Hell, he’s featured on everyone else’s shit. Why not come on board with me and hang out? Obviously he likes hanging out with other people, and I’m cool as hell, so there ya go. Someone call his agent and make it happen.

Then I started thinking… me and Lil Wayne have a lot in common. He’s featured on everyone else’s albums and I’m being featured on everyone else’s blogs.

 

Things Are Looking Up

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You know when you wake up in the morning and shit is just running smooth? Me either… but yesterday, some problems got worked out and that’s all I want out of life.

Maybe now I can get back to focusing on my real job, eh?

I’ve decided I need to start making lists for myself. Reason #1: I think I suffer from short term memory loss. Reason #2: I don’t remember what I’m supposed to be doing. Reason #3: What was I talking about?

::sigh:: I can’t remember…

So anyway, this old man comes to the house yesterday and knocks on the door. I’m thinking, “What the hell is this? Get off my property.” Right? I mean, I’m a borderline recluse at this point. I live way out in the country among farms and other like-minded folks who enjoy their privacy. Never mind the fact that I’ve not been able to eat dinner in peace in over a year. So, I’m pissy with the guy.

He starts talking and I can’t focus on what he’s saying because I’m mostly concerned about the dogs trippin’ out over the fact that some stranger is on the property, which is the most excitement they’ve seen in months. “What!” I demanded, because I’m being disturbed and all I want is this guy to fuckin’ leave.

He starts asking me about a cannon. Excuse me, WHAT? I can’t quote him because I wasn’t paying close enough attention to what he was saying. At one point, the puppies busted through the gate and I had to slam the glass door in the guy’s face to herd the dumbass dogs back to their secured area. Moving on… So, this guy is talking about a cannon, supposedly left on this property, and he wants it. You know what I’m talking about? A cannon that shoots cannon balls.

A Fucking Cannon!

A Fucking Cannon!

He mentions the previous owners and how he’s been talking to the “daughter” and the “brother-in-law” who said there was an old cannon from the 1800’s on this property… and he wants it. He’s some kind of Geologist and he’s interested in the “history”. Whatever.

I explain to the guy, “The previous owners are the previous owners.” They don’t own this land anymore and if he thinks, for one second, I give a shit what the previous owner’s “daughter” said about a canon, he’s out-his-damn-mind. You don’t walk onto someone’s property and start implying that the previous owners said you could have something. Everything and anything  that is here, is mine. Period. In other words, this old man is a presumptuous ass and he thoroughly irked me.

Back to work… life is ridiculous.

 

Come Sit By Me.

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If you don’t have anything nice to say, that’s right… come sit by me.

I don’t know what I’m going to blog about, but I’ll come up with something.

Recently, I watched Julie and Julia, and that chick wrote a daily blog about following a recipe book. I don’t have that kind of dedication.

Some people write blogs about their interests and hobbies. Isn’t that cute…

I’ve discovered the trick to blogging isn’t about what you write – it’s about setting it up – and it’s not easy to do. I’ll have you know, I’m not happy with any of the themes I’ve looked at and this one won’t be sticking around very long – that I guarantee. So, now I have to learn CSS? Whatever happened to plug-and-play? …That’s cool. It’s not like I have anything else to do but blog.

Frankly, I just like to think of it as my own personal ranting platform. It’s not as though I want everyone out there to see me as a woman who complains nonstop, I just can’t afford therapy, that’s all. Buy my books and maybe I could… ::snort::

Let’s see what’s on the agenda today, shall we? Oh yeah. I’m on doggie-doody-duty. Dogs are pretty cool, but they’re a pain in the ass. Did you know that? It would be pretty badass if just one of them was trained to kill on demand, though. (Don’t go getting your britches in a bunch, this is my ranting platform – go find your own.)

I spent the morning screwing with the settings on this damn blog again – installing plugins and nonsense. The things I had to “install” should just come with the damn thing, are you serious? Things like, share buttons and email subscriptions. ALL PEOPLE WHO START A BLOG WANT FOLLOWERS. For Christ’s sake, this isn’t a foreign concept. Not that I expect to have a thousand people following this retardation I call a blog. It’s going to be more like a journal of things that piss me off. HA!
(Kinda kidding – not really, though.)

It’s not going to be a real journal. It’s going to be more like a food journal. You’re only getting half the facts.

If It Kills Me.

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Sometimes you just can’t win.

I had a blog prior to this one that I just couldn’t deal with. Customizing was a bitch and it never really wanted to do anything I asked. I don’t ask much, so that’s totally unacceptable.

I started my day with coffee and cigarettes, as always, but this damned blog was heavy on my mind. Why? Well, I gave up on it around 2am this morning when I couldn’t figure out why it was bridge-returning in the middle of the fucking writing window. And no, I don’t know how to make you understand what a bridge return is – look that up on your own. God knows I’ve done my fair share of Googling this morning. NOTE: I have taken it upon myself to look up “bridge return” because too many people had no idea WTF I was talking about, and here’s why. Fuck, whatever. Maybe that’s not what it was called. When I say bridge return, I’m talking about when you get to the end of a line in a document and it automatically jumps to the next goddamn line – all on it’s own. Get it? Back in my day, when we invented the wheel, it was called a fuckin’ bridge return. Moving on…

Just so you know, it stopped doing that all on it’s own after I’ve invested hours researching the problem. Go figure. Technology hates me. Whatever.

It’s shit like this, all the time, that makes me feel productive if I can see through my glasses.

Next order of business, (or should I say, at-the-same-time order of business) I’m trying to catch up on Facebook notifications. I’ll get to you, don’t worry. First, I just want to change the font on this blog theme. Oh, I can’t? ::head desk::

RSS feeds? Forget it. I’m about two seconds from losing my shit already.

This calls for a professional. So, while I’m over here rocking back and forth whimpering, someone else can come in here and wrestle for a while. I’m tapping out for the time being.