Cameron Diaz is Doing What?

There’s a new movie called The Counselor with  and  and as soon as I found out their #1 selling point was that Cameron has sex with a car… well… I felt a blog post coming on. Because who hasn’t been in this situation, right?

The Counselor Poster

Is it even possible to have sex with an inanimate object? That’s the question of the hour. I consider it masturbation, but that’s just my logical mind coming into play. Unless that car is named Christine and has a will of its own, I don’t really see how “sexual intercourse” can happen. I don’t think there’s a person alive who wasn’t waiting for the kid to have sex with his car in that movie.

So, Cameron is going to make sweet, sweet love to this vehicle? Call me a nay-sayer, but I believe Hollywood is getting desperate to sell movies and make money. Think about it… people actually paid good money to go see Snakes on a Plane. I didn’t. The previews told the story just fine in a minute and a half. Snakes? Check. Plane? Check. Samuel L. Jackson cursing? Check and check. What more could possibly happen? I admit, I still haven’t seen the movie, but who allows thousands of snakes transport on a passenger jet? Get the fuck out… Samuel was saying the same line over and over in the trailer and that wasn’t enough to irritate the piss out of everyone? Okay.

I’m not saying it isn’t a sweet “ride” or anything, but I’m taken aback by the excessive advertisements about Cameron’s auto-lovin’. Have we gotten that perverted? Humanity is that bored? I understand the jaded populous wants more and more all the time. A lot of people have financial struggles that prevent them from travelling and taking real life adventures, but really? Car sex?

Look at him, just sitting there...

Look at him, just sitting there…

Can you imagine watching some crazy chick rubbing her muffin all over the windshield of your rad-ass sports car? That’s a rhetorical question. I can already see men everywhere shrugging and nodding in approval, but I don’t know many women that are willing to crawl on the hood of a car and slide their va-jay-jay around on the glass. If you’re willing, fine, but not on my car you don’t. That’s liable to piss off a car enthusiast lickity-split. I, sure as hell, am not willing to whip out the Windex because you wiped your filthy butt all over it in sexual ecstasy. Stop being dumb.

Movies are going too far. It’s bad enough that television is better than cinema these days. We’re now being lured to the theater with the promise of watching Cameron-fucking-Diaz pleasure herself with a car?




The Watching of: Les Miserables (2012)

*Spoiler Alert* This is what happens… No, seriously. This is my experience with Les Miserables. The all-singing, all-dancing singing again summary of the movie everyone just couldn’t wait to see and still delight over today.

So here goes… Les Miserables (2012)

6 Minutes into the film and they haven’t stopped singing yet. Wolverine isn’t the best singer I’ve ever heard but that’s to be expected. Yes, yes, I’m aware of the Broadway thing. Maybe I should have seen that to prepare for what’s in store for me here.

22 Minutes into the film and they’re still singing everything. Catwoman has showed up. She works for Wolverine. Cinderella Man is in it too, singing away. They’re all just singing. It’s not phenomenal. These aren’t sing-a-long’s. Matter of fact, they’ve just taken the script and decided to sing it instead of speak it. It’s like while you’re cleaning the house and you start making up songs, narrating what you’re doing. “I’m washy-washy-washing the dishes,” and so on. I don’t know how much of this I can handle. I’ve had to run through my check-list of things to do tomorrow to entertain myself.

40 minutes into the film and I don’t think they’re going to stop singing. Is this a musical? What is this shit? Musicals are supposed to be fun. Even the hookers are singing. Catwoman cut off all her hair so she’s sing-crying like crazy. Literally singing and crying all at the same time. There’s snot and tears dripping everywhere. Dear lord…

45 minutes into the film, a cute little girl shows up. I don’t know why, but I thought it was Dakota Fanning on the poster. It’s not. It’s this little kid and she’s the only thing entertaining thus far because singing kids are cute. Sing-crying grown men? Not so much. Here comes the Red Queen. Damn, this woman doesn’t age. She’s 46-47 years old, looks the same as she always has. Probably because she dresses like a bum in real life. Matter of fact, I think she’s wearing her own wardrobe in this movie. I’m certain of it. Her hair looked exactly like that in the last candid photo I saw of her in OK Magazine. I don’t know why dressing like a bum would keep a person looking young, but I’m willing to give it a shot… and, of course, she’s a-singin’. She’s really belting it out.

48 minutes… One word: Borat. He’s singing.

1:17 minutes… Not even half-way through. This is one of the longest movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I think they’re singing part of a song from the Sound of Music now. I liked the Sound of Music and they’re ruining it. They’ve just put their script to the song of “Doe, a Deer” and called it a day.

I’ve lost track of time… The dumb one from Mean Girls is singing and I can’t get the image of her doing lesbian things to that ginger woman, Julianne Moore, out of my head from the movie Chloe. Who was expecting that to happen? Right? Kind of like a train wreck, only cray-cray.

I don’t think I’m going to make it. I believe another two hours have passed and this song isn’t over yet. The whole movie is the same song, they just change the tune to make you think this is planned. Longest.Song.Ever.

Wolverine stopped singing long enough to get me excited and my eyes popped open! Could it be? Is the singing over? Nope.. back to singing…

Now, God knows where I’m at in this never-ending movie… there appears to be a love triangle happening here among Letters to Juliette, Hick and the only good singer in the film. I’m glad I already know this story or I might not have any idea what they’ve been singing about all this time. I’ve dazed out several times and there’s that Sound of Music tune again… damn them. What’s wrong with the Claire Danes version? People weren’t pleased with that terrific film, they decided a movie about a convict who stole a loaf of bread would be better in song? This is ridiculous. If this man sing-cries about some damn bread one more time, I’m going to flip out.

So much time has gone by that I’m not sure what day it is anymore… Why are they using coffins to block off the street? Does that have some kind of hidden meaning? They were ransacking everyone’s houses and using all their furniture to build a blockade but there are apparent coffins here. Someone must have had some coffins laying around their house. Probably because of the plague, people stocked up on coffins, bought them discount…

Fuck, it never ends! I could never sit through this movie again. Once is too many. I understand the value of the arts, I love music, I love the story Les Miserables… This is opera. Terrible opera. The kind of opera where you can’t tell if they’re singing or not. This is sing-talking. It’s rubbing off on me. I’m sing-talking everything I write now. My thoughts are all in song.

Okay, it’s time for a battle… Their fire power is not very power-full, if you know what I mean. They’re having a cannon fight five feet from each other and it’s not even knocking over the coffin barricade. That’s terrible. Plus, they’re singing while they do it. Sing-fighting. ♪♫ Everybody is sing-talk-fighting. ♪♫ Yes, I absolutely did sing that to Carl Douglas.

It’s about over. It has to be. Wolverine is on his eighth sing-crying song. The returned-from-the-dead Catwoman is here so it’s got to be the end. Letters to Juliette and Hick are singing and crying and snotting together.

Fade Out… Fade Back In…

Conclusion: Oh.Dear.God. It’s finally over.

Fuck this…

Curse of Chucky – The Summary

Curse of Chucky
Summarized by Author Coey Cain.
Absolutely nothing but *SPOILERS*
(if that’s possible, I think my retelling is better.)

I honestly don’t think I can ruin this movie any worse than it’s already ruined itself. Personally, I think I’m going to make it better by telling you about it. It’s far better than having to watch it, like I was asked to do by Author Catherine Stovall. This is all her fault. If you have any problem with this, send Catherine Stovall your hate mail, because after watching this film, my emotions couldn’t handle one more ridiculous thing.

It all began (for me) with a chili scene. Yes, a chili scene. A very long, extended, drawn-out, tedious, over-acted, ridiculous, monotonous, unnecessary, sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat-with-anticipation, nothing happens… Chili Scene.

Here’s how it goes: there’s a bunch of people and they’re eating chili for, what feels like, twenty minutes. They mention several times how good and hearty it is, the little kid credits the oregano (because shockingly there’s no meat in it! ::eye roll::), they’re spooning chili into their faces – at close up – over and over. Then, their faces begin to scrunch up in disgust like there might be poo in it. They’re still eating. The little kid says it tastes bad (this is approximately five minutes after they all cheered in delight over how good this chili is). The preacher starts sweating. (I don’t know why there’s a preacher, I hadn’t been paying much attention because I was completely enthralled with Castle Story on my iPhone.) They’re still eating chili with a close-up of their mouths accepting the spoon. Ominous music is playing in the background and they keep eating chili.

These motherfuckers literally eat an entire bowl of chili and someone taped it. I’m not shitting you. Nothing happens. You think Chucky is going to, like, kill someone – but no. He just sits there like a doll and watches them eat for a good ten minutes.

Now, I was ready to give up. My time isn’t the most valuable time in the world, but I was positive I could find something more productive or entertaining to do than watch an entire group of people eat fucking chili – that’s a fact. But no. Cat talked me into finishing this shit, and since misery loves company, here we are because the ridiculous doesn’t end when they finish their chili.

So, let’s do a quick re-cap. I don’t recognize any of these actors aside from preacher man and he’s dead now, so it’s a non-issue.

There’s a handicapped woman whose mother gets killed in the beginning, please note I wasn’t paying attention. The “handi-capable” chick’s sister who comes to stay (to take care of her, I imagine) and the sister brings her husband, their little girl, and a nanny. I honestly don’t know why there was a preacher, but as I said, he dies. Don’t even worry about it. I think there’s an unwritten rule somewhere that horror movies must have a preacher in them. They make the preacher the most famous person in the movie and kill him. This preacher is the most recognizable person in the film and he’s like, “Just pay me. Kill me early on. Your movie sucks.” And he’s totally right.

Right when the film begins, Handi-capable’s mom asks her to get the door. The delivery guy is being friendly, whatever, and she asks her mom in giddy surprise, “Was that guy hitting on me?”

To which her mother replies, “Oh, honey, he was just being nice.”

Thanks, Mom. You’re super supportive and encouraging.

Anyway, the delivery guy had brought the mom a Chucky doll and she dies three minutes later, so you don’t even have time to hate her for shitting on her daughter’s confidence. It happens fast. Gets doll, throws it away, it’s night time, there’s a scream and then Handi-capable totally overreacts to seeing her mom’s blood spreading over the floor. It’s like the Miss America surprise face when they win. Only in this case, she doesn’t get a crown or flowers. She’s the winner of a brand new dead body. You know – that reaction… moving on.

I keep calling her “Handi-capable” because everyone treats her like an invalid dope and it obviously irritates the piss out of her. Cuz who could love a handicapped person? Right? Right? Yes, that’s the mentality happening all over the place in this film. “Good thing you’re my family or I would have to roll you off a cliff. You have no quality of life.”

They say stupid shit like, “Is that a new wheel chair? That’s really cool!” Because giving her genuine compliments would be a lie.

So, the sister, brother-in-law, niece, nanny, and preacher show up. The little girl has to take a tinkle and at this point, you’re pretty sure there’s something going on between the brother-in-law and the nanny. He’s eye-balling her sweet blonde ass and following her places and they’re waiting outside the bathroom for this little kid who’s old enough to pee by herself. You get to watch this kid take a tinkle and come to find out, Chucky is hiding behind the shower curtain. She screams, there’s this big to-do with the two adulterers trying to break into the bathroom, and this kid is just standing there, holding Chucky… but the dopey laugh she lets out is priceless. “He scared me! HUR, HUR, HUR!” It’s a really dopey laugh, even for a kid.

Never mind the fact that this ugly-ass doll is mysteriously moving around the house on his own – because they did. This doll is creeping everyone out, but not a single person thinks to get rid of it. Mind you, the mother tried and she got killed, but I would think of something better than throwing it in the kitchen trash can. I mean, it’s a really big fucking doll. It would be like taking a stereo speaker and throwing it in the kitchen trash. That’s going to piss someone off. You can’t put anything else in there after that. Now, someone else comes along to throw something away and the damn trash is full. All I’m saying is, it wasn’t bright or considerate to throw Chucky in the kitchen trash. Everybody knows you take the big shit straight out to the garage trash because that bastard can hold a Buick.

Anyway, back on point, the dad utters the phrase, “It’s a doll. What’s the worst that can happen?”

HUR, HUR, HUR! (Sorry, still thinking about that kid getting a chuckle out of herself for being scared.)

Chucky looks different. I don’t know if it’s just me, but he’s got a weird look about him in this one. Catherine says he looks like a drag queen. I think he kind of looks like a Teletubbie. If a Teletubbie did drag, you would have this version’s Chucky. Graphics and computer generated shit has come a long way, but not here, not in this. Not Chucky. If you want to watch this for the fright factor, remember that I said Teletubbie. That’s what you’re getting.

Every time there’s a scene change, a cop car pops up. That’s how you’ll know. If you see a cop car, they’re somewhere else now. They don’t want you to think this whole movie was shot in one house like a low-budget D-movie or anything. They want you to know they’re versatile and have the money to go other places (like the end of the driveway).

The coolest scene is the decapitation of the preacher. Like I said, the biggest names play the preacher and they get the coolest death scenes too. Take Danny Trejo, for example. The movie Zombie Hunter was pretty terrible, but somehow they got Danny to play the preacher who gets a cool death scene. Danny is an awesome dyer. His head got duct taped to a turtle and crawled across the desert with a bomb in it, for Christ’s Sake. He’s one of the coolest dudes of all time and looking at his resume, he’s a Yes Man who compulsively must work. He’s seventy years old and I don’t think he’s ever said ‘no’ to a movie offer. Ever.

Now, this dude ain’t no Danny Trejo, but he is Hispanic-looking and I’ve seen him before. I don’t know him by name, but I’ve definitely seen him during the 80’s and 90’s. Somewhere. I’m positive of it.

This movie is really ridiculous, I’m sorry I got side-tracked again. Back to the show.

So, once again, Chucky is missing and the adults are trying to find him for this kid who has developed an unnatural attachment to this Teletubbie Drag Queen doll. He pops up all over the place randomly, giving everyone a start, but no one is concerned past questioning gazes and curious head-tilts. Whatever. I have a bit of an aversion to dolls and here it is, twenty-five-years later, and they act like they’ve never seen Child’s Play before. Even Sidney Prescott has seen the movie “Stab” in the Scream movies. Are you telling me these people live in an alternate universe where no one has ever introduced the idea of living, murderous dolls to them? Not once?

So, the nanny is trying to find the doll for this kid, but she gets side-tracked by kid’s mother and they start up a serious make-out session. HUR, HUR, HUR! (that’s not going to get old anytime soon.) Here we thought for sure that the dad was gittin’ sum. Turns out, mommy is a big old lezzie. Not many people can pass up a hot blonde.

Meanwhile, Handi-capable is the heroine who finds Chucky (who was just watching tv with dad) and jumps on her handy-dandy elevator where she gets stuck with this creepy elusive doll from hell. She’s calling for help, rings the elevator buzzer and then… get this… get this…

The lesbian sister is tonguing the nanny so hard, she can’t be bothered. (I mean kissing, not the other thing, stay with me.) She sighs in frustration, all irritated and shit, and she rolls her eyes. She tells the nanny, and I quote, “See? With her, it’s always something. She needs my help and then resents me for it.”

Before the chili scene, you should have seen the disbelief on her face that Handi-capable wanted to make dinner for six people. It’s the same way you react to a man who just told you he’s going to get his balls waxed. It’s dumbfounded mixed with fright and riddled with humor, but you can’t laugh because that’s your man and you’re worried about his safety and his mentality all at the same time. You understand at this point, due to the seriousness on his face, that he wants to do this: he wants to wax his balls, but you already know he can’t. He had a cold last month, wrote his own obituary, gave you explicit details on his burial desires, rationed out his electronics to his bros, and you know he’ll never survive a ball-waxing. He just won’t. He can’t.

That’s exactly how sister acted when Handi-capable wanted to fix dinner. ::face palm::

So, instead of letting Handi-capable out of the elevator, the lesbians chat and complain about shit and call Handi-capable a hot mess.

Out of nowhere, the elevator powers on and Chucky pulls an Exorcist and spins his head all the way around to laugh at her. Once again, he spins his head around by himself when they get off the elevator… and not a damn person is catching on that there’s something totally fucked about this man-doll.

The child tells the mom about all this crazy shit Chucky says and, of course, mom thinks kid is a liar, but goes along with it. “Life is a motherfucker and then you die? You sure daddy didn’t tell you that?”

The nanny gets electrocuted by her laptop while dirty web-cam-ing with the mom in the same room as the sleeping child. Like, here’s how it goes down: the child is asleep in the room she’s sharing with the nanny. The nanny comes in and strips down to bra and panties, dials up the mom, they make kissy faces at each other, and then the nanny looks over and Chucky is standing at the end of her bed. So, of course, she just stares at him in horror. He kicks over a little pail of water which floods a five foot radius, it hits the plug mounted in the floor and nanny sizzles.

It was pretty impressive, to say the least. My laptop shuts off on its own if I so much as blow it kisses. It’s zero tolerance. Sometimes it simply decides it’s had enough and powers down. No warning. It doesn’t even let me know it’s tired. I’m willing to bet I could drop it in a bathtub and nothing would happen. Especially not the fireworks show I just saw. The bitch sizzled like bacon. Maybe she should use a Sony Vaio. It would be safer. I doubt I could even get this thing to give a jolt equal to one of those trick hand shockers.

By the way, you know how the kid was in the room? She totally slept through the entire traumatic event. You know, some kids are so unaware and selfish.

It's the drugs.

It’s the drugs.

Shit hits the fan after that. The bitch sister gets offed, Handi-capable has a run-in with Chucky and manages to get away. She wakes up the dad who thinks Handi-capable is totally killing everybody in the house. The kid is missing and the level of ridiculous is growing by the moment. The dad ties up Handi-capable and decides to watch the recording on the nanny cam that he hid in Chucky’s OshKosh B’gosh overalls. ::smh::

One of the most special parts is when Handi-capable jumps out of her wheelchair to chase after her sister before she gets killed and drags herself up three flights of stairs.

Imagine this backwards.

Imagine this backwards.

Now, okay, dad watched the dirty nanny cam feed and he knows that Handi-capable wasn’t lying about the Chucky situation, but there’s no time for any heartfelt apologies, nor is there time to untie her, because Chucky sneaks up on them (while dad is watching him sneak up via the nanny cam. The fact that he’s watching himself get sneaked up on and he just sits there is… ::sigh::) and then Chucky runs over dad with Handi-capable’s wheelchair with Handi-capable still tied to it.

Chucky has an axe by now and it really got me thinking. He’s just a doll. Other than the fact that he’s a homicidal doll, he doesn’t have any superpowers. He can’t pick up a car or leap tall buildings or fuckin’ fly. The only thing this little turd has going for him is that he always finds weapons and maintains the element of surprise. He shocks people more stupider than they already are. They see him and just stand there like idiots, giving him time to murder them. Well, that’s not very logical. You could just kick him across the floor, smack him around, lock that bastard in a box, but he always gets the drop on these stupid people.

What's wrong with these people?

What’s wrong with these people?

He chopped off the dad’s jaw with the axe and dad dies immediately. I’m not sure if that would happen in reality. I don’t think losing a jaw is an immediately fatal wound. I’ve seen a guy who blew his whole face off with a crack pipe and he made it.

Anyway, Chucky goes after Handi-capable and gets his axe stuck in her numb crippled leg to the point that he’s not even strong enough to pull it out and you know what she does? She slaps that bitch in the face and he goes down like a sack of potatoes. There’s nothing super powered about him.

She takes the axe she pulled out of her own leg and cuts Chucky’s head off. Then she just rolls away, leaving him there. I know how this is going to go. I’ve seen it happen a hundred times. You never just walk away after a beheading. Possessed shit will always find a way to put themselves back together. Elementary shit, friend.

Sure enough, he puts his head back on and pushes her off the balcony. Her wheelchair explodes like Forrest Gump’s leg braces when it hits the first floor. Parts go everywhere. So much for her cool new wheelchair.

Flash to the backstory…

Shit gets doubly re-donk-culous. I don’t even want to tell you about it, it’s that fucking queer. (Queer means odd, unusual, strange – not that other thing jackasses made it out to be in order to insult people.) Fuck it, I’ll tell you. So, when Chucky was a real boy, he had terrible hair, and I’m guessing his test scores were below average. He’s just a weirdo and he has a thing for Handi-capable’s mom, who he ties up in a basement while she’s 20 months pregnant with a beach ball and brings her sunflowers. Lots and lots of sunflowers. Her husband died or got killed, I don’t really know. There was a funeral, he’s dead, now she’s tied to a bed in a basement, surrounded by ugly flowers. Then he says some creepy shit and tells her he’s part of the family now and then the cops show up. ::sigh:: So, all he’s left to do is knife the baby belly which is why Handi-capable isn’t named plain ol’ Capable in this movie summary. Oh, and then he runs away to escape the cops, gets shot in a toy store or something and does a voodoo witchcraft spell that summons lightening and transfers his soul over to the Teletubbie doll. Okay, that about sums up the backstory, let’s go back to real time and see what silliness is going on… Don’t worry, it’s almost over.

Handi-capable didn’t die. She’s just lying on the floor, taunting Chucky and laughing at him. “You can’t paralyze me! HUR, HUR, HUR!” He chases her into her elevator, she stabs him… he comes back, she screams and cut to the cop car.

Why are the cops here in the first place? The power in this house sucks balls and her phone never works. Did they sense trouble? Did Lassie help out on this one? The fuck are they doing here?

I have a feeling this is going to be hard to explain to the police… I can’t wait to hear what she’s going to say about all these dead people, a missing child, and then try to blame a doll. Just for a moment, try to imagine doing that in real life. I don’t care how many people I’ve seen Chucky kill, as the sole survivor, I’m pretty sure I’m going to jail. So why even mention it? Fuck it. Yes, I killed all these people. No, I don’t know anything about that doll. No, I don’t hear voices. I swear.

She does get blamed and gets put in the loony bin, and so far, that’s the most believable part in this movie.

A person would hope that was the end. After twenty-five years, they’ve managed to drive this Chucky franchise into the ground and it’s time to stop this insanity. Handi-capable is sentenced to the crazy-house for her crimes and then there’s more stupid to follow. Here’s the good part: they managed to scrape up enough money to afford Jennifer Tilly for a full minute right before the end. That’s right. You see Jennifer Tilly, in all her brilliance, for one minute and twelve seconds. I love Jennifer Tilly. Big time. I love that she’s a professional poker player, I love her persona… but for a minute and twelve seconds, I can’t recommend this movie to anybody with a thinking mind or as much as a sub-par respect for logic. This movie hurt my brain. I got a little bit dumber after having watched this.

I read a bunch of people’s responses after having watched this retardation of a film and I’m fucking floored. Here are a few comments:

Maria says:
This was DEFINITELY better than I expected!! I love a good scary film without all the gore but with enough scares to keep your heart racing and occasionally jumping out of your mouth!! heehee!!
(Did you guys HUR, HUR, HUR with me? Please say you did.)

Shao says:
Definitely did not expect it to be this good.

Marsmaid says:
At first I was annoyed with how long Chucky’s hair is (I am a traditionalist) but this was great. So much better than I expected!!!

newgurl says:
This movie was just as bad or even worse than The Seed of Chucky.

Ailleen says:
Crazy horror fun, don’t bother engaging your brain. enjoy.

I’m just… there isn’t… I don’t… it’s not…

::hanging head::

I have to go.