The Watching of: Les Miserables (2012)

*Spoiler Alert* This is what happens… No, seriously. This is my experience with Les Miserables. The all-singing, all-dancing singing again summary of the movie everyone just couldn’t wait to see and still delight over today.

So here goes… Les Miserables (2012)

6 Minutes into the film and they haven’t stopped singing yet. Wolverine isn’t the best singer I’ve ever heard but that’s to be expected. Yes, yes, I’m aware of the Broadway thing. Maybe I should have seen that to prepare for what’s in store for me here.

22 Minutes into the film and they’re still singing everything. Catwoman has showed up. She works for Wolverine. Cinderella Man is in it too, singing away. They’re all just singing. It’s not phenomenal. These aren’t sing-a-long’s. Matter of fact, they’ve just taken the script and decided to sing it instead of speak it. It’s like while you’re cleaning the house and you start making up songs, narrating what you’re doing. “I’m washy-washy-washing the dishes,” and so on. I don’t know how much of this I can handle. I’ve had to run through my check-list of things to do tomorrow to entertain myself.

40 minutes into the film and I don’t think they’re going to stop singing. Is this a musical? What is this shit? Musicals are supposed to be fun. Even the hookers are singing. Catwoman cut off all her hair so she’s sing-crying like crazy. Literally singing and crying all at the same time. There’s snot and tears dripping everywhere. Dear lord…

45 minutes into the film, a cute little girl shows up. I don’t know why, but I thought it was Dakota Fanning on the poster. It’s not. It’s this little kid and she’s the only thing entertaining thus far because singing kids are cute. Sing-crying grown men? Not so much. Here comes the Red Queen. Damn, this woman doesn’t age. She’s 46-47 years old, looks the same as she always has. Probably because she dresses like a bum in real life. Matter of fact, I think she’s wearing her own wardrobe in this movie. I’m certain of it. Her hair looked exactly like that in the last candid photo I saw of her in OK Magazine. I don’t know why dressing like a bum would keep a person looking young, but I’m willing to give it a shot… and, of course, she’s a-singin’. She’s really belting it out.

48 minutes… One word: Borat. He’s singing.

1:17 minutes… Not even half-way through. This is one of the longest movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I think they’re singing part of a song from the Sound of Music now. I liked the Sound of Music and they’re ruining it. They’ve just put their script to the song of “Doe, a Deer” and called it a day.

I’ve lost track of time… The dumb one from Mean Girls is singing and I can’t get the image of her doing lesbian things to that ginger woman, Julianne Moore, out of my head from the movie Chloe. Who was expecting that to happen? Right? Kind of like a train wreck, only cray-cray.

I don’t think I’m going to make it. I believe another two hours have passed and this song isn’t over yet. The whole movie is the same song, they just change the tune to make you think this is planned. Longest.Song.Ever.

Wolverine stopped singing long enough to get me excited and my eyes popped open! Could it be? Is the singing over? Nope.. back to singing…

Now, God knows where I’m at in this never-ending movie… there appears to be a love triangle happening here among Letters to Juliette, Hick and the only good singer in the film. I’m glad I already know this story or I might not have any idea what they’ve been singing about all this time. I’ve dazed out several times and there’s that Sound of Music tune again… damn them. What’s wrong with the Claire Danes version? People weren’t pleased with that terrific film, they decided a movie about a convict who stole a loaf of bread would be better in song? This is ridiculous. If this man sing-cries about some damn bread one more time, I’m going to flip out.

So much time has gone by that I’m not sure what day it is anymore… Why are they using coffins to block off the street? Does that have some kind of hidden meaning? They were ransacking everyone’s houses and using all their furniture to build a blockade but there are apparent coffins here. Someone must have had some coffins laying around their house. Probably because of the plague, people stocked up on coffins, bought them discount…

Fuck, it never ends! I could never sit through this movie again. Once is too many. I understand the value of the arts, I love music, I love the story Les Miserables… This is opera. Terrible opera. The kind of opera where you can’t tell if they’re singing or not. This is sing-talking. It’s rubbing off on me. I’m sing-talking everything I write now. My thoughts are all in song.

Okay, it’s time for a battle… Their fire power is not very power-full, if you know what I mean. They’re having a cannon fight five feet from each other and it’s not even knocking over the coffin barricade. That’s terrible. Plus, they’re singing while they do it. Sing-fighting. ♪♫ Everybody is sing-talk-fighting. ♪♫ Yes, I absolutely did sing that to Carl Douglas.

It’s about over. It has to be. Wolverine is on his eighth sing-crying song. The returned-from-the-dead Catwoman is here so it’s got to be the end. Letters to Juliette and Hick are singing and crying and snotting together.

Fade Out… Fade Back In…

Conclusion: Oh.Dear.God. It’s finally over.

Fuck this…

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